basically a web diary/journal/blog.
sometimes i vent and ramble stupid stuff here and accidentally publish it with that day's entry, and sometimes the date of the entry dont correspond with the actual site page's update. oops.
FEATURING OUR GUESTS; INCONSISTENT AND SPORADIC UPDATES, SHITTY FORMAT, AND DERANGED THOUGHTS.
1/4, "being obscure.. or whatever creative title"
(this is mostly me talking to myself about myself)
it feels weird to draw despite everything. and then i spent years just, drawing, with almost no support group and being yet another person who just posts something that gets swiped under the rug. and then all of a sudden, for tow days straight i consistently get likes and comments for two platforms respectively. i dont know. it feels so... overwhelming?? a dramatic explanation i can give is suddenly receiving bouquets of flowers near my "canvas" out of nowhere. its not that i dont appreciate it, i just,, dont know how to react. its just so sudden even if its not much. i havent felt this way in a long time since my original friend group irl (before they kicked me out). i dont know.... how do i show them that im grateful? please come up with a solution, future red...
27/3, "goddamn i need to post art more"
come on the 2 people who accidentally clicked on this site while browsing NEEDS to see my gta art. speaking of them, i love you tommy gta vc i love you niko gta 4
15/3, "idk what to title this"
(originally written on 15th march, only posting now)
i honestly cant figure out whether i what to learn german or some other language. i know that me studying abroad is unlikely because of my direction in education, but ive been genuinely wishing to go on a vacation to austria. but since i havent heard from that friend since 2022 (i still miss them). would be cool though, theres plenty of places in europe i want to go to. in fact, i heard that some unis in bosnia offers to malaysian students but thats probably a misconception i heard in 2017. speaking of languages, when i was like 12 or 13 i wac=tched life of boris and got motivated to learn russian and honestly why was i a slavboo AND weeaboo god thats a nightmare combination of preteen internet behaviour.
2/3, "i didnt do anything during my break"
i wanted to do stuff ok. but i just cant because all . its not that im lazy. i actually want to do more stuff but my parents wouldnt let me. same people as prev btw.
19/2, "i turned 20 and all i got was wishing i was never born"
people just never trust me huh. yes i know hot to cook, you fuckers just never gave me the chance. and then theres my dad whos blaming me for being an idiot with my money, even when the problem is MY FUCKING UNI'S STUPID STAFF AND THEIR HORRIBLE WEB DEVELOPER SKILLS
3/2, "... im old"
(written on 3rd february on default notepad)
welp, im 20 now. looking back on my teens, i wish things could be different. or at least, i wish i had more time to make up for all those years, just 3 more years please.
23/1, "tldr more sites on this side of the web should be more whatever interestsisms"
so my life fucking sucks the past two days so i just use whatever i can do to distract myself from straight up pulling some self destructive shit and came across this post on r/neocities. and i gotta say, very nice. some of the comments are AWFUL tho. if you ask me, i think its a great start. "red youre only 20 your opinion doesnt matter" yeah? last time i check on geocities site archives, your site doesnt NEED 900 flashing gifs and crazy javascript. because to quote my mom when i gushed to her about the html guide i found on my old school library, what matters is that you get a site and not giving a fuck if it looks good. whether you want it look better or just slap more posts about cars is up to you. and honestly? thats how i feel about neocities and nekoweb in general. im not making any sense im typing this while taking a break from my animation assignment but yeah MORE QUIRKY PERSONAL SITES THAT ONLY EXISTS AS ARTCHIVE AND INTERESTS GUSHING PLEASE WAITER !!!!!
speaking of webpages i just realised the css of info.html page is broken i swear it was normal a while ago im gonna need to fix it when im done with this semester
7/1, "free me from this hell called university"
uni has been kicking my ass, so apologise for not adding any 2025 art yet (mostly because i havent been making any proper art this year). btw im having bits and bits of finals this next few weeks before the end of my semester. help.
2/12, "a new year"
im like a day late but happy new year!!
30/12, "it's (almost) the end of the year"
is it bad that i literally don't feel excited? only different i can comprehend and get an existential crisis about is the fact that i'm turning 20 next year
oh well, happy early new years, space fighters (i guess i'll refer to the 2 people looking at this site as what viveret calls her comrades)
16/12, "i should really open comms soon"
title, i'm in need of money. this is the only way for me to get money without sacrificing my free times (mostly because i barely have them during the day)
11/11, "no title"
these past few weeks have been rough. but overall, i think im somewhat used to living in kl. i kinda know how to navigate around now (on train, the road is still tricky even if i get a car). id probably move here when im older if it wasnt for the outrages prices.
18/10, "lets go im pn pillowfort now"
yeah. feel free to follow me there. previous statement still applies ("i suck at social medias aduh"). yeah. idk what else to type.
17/10, "how do social media + music talk"
ok so, ive been posting sporadically on tumblr but i kinda stop using the site. its a long story, tldr fuck you staff. plus, i just.. Dont vibe with most social media nowadays. i know you folks will say "just join the indie web lol" i'd love to but you do realise its different from social media, right? not to mention, theres almost no good alternatives to tumblr. (i am currently considering making a pillowfort account tho).
on a more positive note, i've been listening to few songs to keep me going in uni. so, let me recommend some songs (also this and this.
2/10, "weather rant"
help me it is like 29 degrees celsius here oh my god help what the fu
in the meantime, i've been slowly getting back into interests i was obsessed with during my early teens. holy shit i feel old, i cant believe 2010 was 14 years ago. it seems like my perception of time deterioted after lockdown.
31/8, " i regret taking this course"
maybe its because i have learning disabilities, but man am i regretting taking art. i assume unholy amounts of assignments i have to work on is a thing for other course. but man, does this make me wish im a few inches away from a volcano. so many shit to work on, im starting to go insane. but no i cant do anything about it because its my parent's decision and no matter what i do with my decision its nonexistent.
28/8, "guess whos thinking of changing the css again"
yeah. i might not do this, but basically i wanna make my site's theme based heavily around classic jrpgs, esp the funny medieval gundam gaem (i mean, look at the site name). we'll see, unless i end up sleeping early tonight.
27/8, "blank"
been craving eggs. unfortunately theres not enough space for my dorm because the kitchen stuff is mostly occupied by my dormmates from other rooms. shucks.
24/8, "blank"
the feeling of nothingness is creeping up on me again. i think i'll just draw to distract myself...
23/8, "where have i been?"
tldr, college. i try not to share tmi but holy fuck i hate everything about this. i have still have no irl friends, and i still have a lot of aqssignments to do, and im in desperate need of money. everything is just so overwhelming
24/7, "stupid rambling about art"
bear with me, this is just nonsense rambling to distract myself from all the things going on right now.
first of all, how "good" do you have to be with art for it to be worthy of sharing with others? so, im sure you all know that art is meant to be shared. sharing is a huge core on our life. but how come people only share or care about art when its "good"? what ever happened to "ANY art is valid"? how come your sketchbook doodles have to look clean and sanitised for it to be good? why do i have to render in a specific way for people to call it good? is creating art because "i want to" not enough?
on the topic of art, i consider html as "art" too. and honestly? the idea that because this part of the web is "free for all and you can do anything" and therefore its okay to copy everything just doesnt sit right with me. allow me to explain, i dont mean that everyone thinks like this. it honestly depends on the webmaster. its just that, for me, how is that any different from stealing art? especially from a personal site? again, this does not apply to sites that allow copying. i just needed to get this off my chest, okay.
anyways, another art related thing. but to be completely honest, im still desperately trying to cleanse from my brain is the idea that my art is only decent when people notice it. bear with me, this is easier said than done. but ive seen so many people with art that are either around my level or younger than me and they have a lot of followers and support. me? nothing. from observing my own mental state, this is an extension of my "i dont exist at all and its fueling my mental illness someone help me i beg you" bullshit. i wish it was easy for me to cure from this, but its hard. and i guess thats why im focusing more on the "art" side of this webpage.
in conclusion; art is a complicated thing for me and i dont know why im typing all this guhhhh gleeb glorp.
22/7, "nothingness"
all this stress going on in my life lately. and the fact that my mental health is nonexistent doesnt help either.
it just makes me wonder, will people even remember me? i know ive said this a lot, and because its true im almost nonexistent. i dont think i exist in other people's vision. and the people who claimed otherwise just forgot.
and now that things are going off the rails, it just fills me with a sense of emptiness and - dare i say - an almost death-like feel of ""life"". i dont know, maybe its because im not taking antidepressants or whatever therapists give to make you not feel like this (im never allowed to go see a therapist).
it feels.. nothing. i feel nothing. both in a numbing way and a "theres literally nothing for me at all besides dread".
i should really stop making these sorry aa posts. but in my defense no one notices anyways.
21/7, "tldr wahhhh im a crybaby and angry person"
i hate everything thats going on in my life right now.
i swear im even more convinced that im NOT allowed to enjoy anything AT ALL. everything feels suffocating, both from all the stuff going on as well as the overwhelming loneliness i feel all the damn time.
9/7, "blank"
hi chat. just updating this. trying to get better i guess. on the plus side, ive been coding to distract myself. i hate everything going on in my life and how im never allowed to be happy at all but hey at least i still have my tablet to doodle and ease things.
on another note, i quit this year's artfight not even a week in. life is becoming stressful and frankly i cant deal with it anymore.
18/6, "new beginnings (well not yet)"
despite being 19 years old, i still dont feel my age. i only start to feel like an 'adult' (18) around the later mid of the year. i still process time like around last year. and soon im going to continue my education. to say that im ready is a great misintrepertation (or however you spell that). im not. as much as i try to stay strong for my own wellbeing, i cant. anxiety sucks.
i dont want to end this entry with a negative tone though. so to lighten this up, the people im close with dont play with me much, so it shouldnt be a problem. this does make my priest grind harder though, i hate playing as the healer ughhhh.
10/6, "trying to learn renpy"
exactly like the title say. why do i have 3 code editors now (brackets, notepad++, vscode).
4/6, "captain from combat initiation is a bitch ass motherfucker"
(ignore this, im just trying to flesh out the layout of this page's format)
what is combat initiation? roblox ultrakill. who is captain? a boss and hes a PIECE OF SHIT FUCK YOU CAPTAIN FROM COMBAT INITIATION YOU RUINED MY ATTEMPT AT GETTING A HIGH RANK. just because vagabond is harder than you doesnt mean youre not a stupid motherfucker. this site's webmaster HATES captain.
yeah so, idk if this is obvious or not but this entry is satirical lmao
2/6, "revamping"
im not even gonna bother putting back my old rants and shit. i think this is fine. for now, im mostly focusing on my mental health.